Chapter 20.2

A heavy rain had washed away all traces their mother had left behind. Su Jiao spent two more days in the rear hall of Yongning Hall copying Buddhist scriptures to pray for her, and after resting and recovering, she finally regained some of her strength.

After that day, Su Wei never came to find her again, and Xie Yan spent his days quietly inside the hall, resting and recovering from his wounds.

Su Jiao’s guilt toward him was such that she, unusually, complied with him — personally accompanied him to change his dressings and apply medicine. On an afternoon when the two of them were resting in the corridor, the bright sunlight falling warmly upon them, she suddenly recalled something.

The letter she had written halfway inside the hall was nowhere to be found.

“Xie Yan.”

She suddenly spoke, her tone carrying an almost imperceptible tension.

“Have you seen a letter inside the room?”

At the time she had still been deliberating over whether to leave the palace, she had written a letter concerning the eldest prince’s conduct at Huguo Temple that day. The letter was only half-finished when Xie Yan had swallowed the poison, and had been left lying there since.

She had forgotten to put it away afterward, and only now, thinking back on it, did she realize she had not seen it in a long while.

Recalling the contents of the letter, the tension in Su Jiao’s chest pulled tight again.

If he had seen it…

“What letter?”

Xie Yan turned his head, a perfectly appropriate expression of puzzlement on his face.

“If you are speaking of what you were writing in the hall the other day, the fish soup that was brought in soaked through it all — I saw there was no salvaging it, and had Chang Lin tidy it up along with everything else. Was there something important written in it?”

“No, there was not.”

Hearing him say this, Su Jiao visibly let out a breath of relief.

“It was nothing important.”

Even as she said so, she still stood and decided she would go check for herself before she could feel at ease.

Xie Yan rested his hand on the arm of the chair and watched her departing figure with a silent arch of his brow.

The letter… he had indeed seen it. He also knew what was written on it. But how would he ever give her the chance to say it herself?

He lowered his head, and a faint, imperceptible smile curved the corners of his lips.

After making a thorough round of the room and finding nothing more, Su Jiao finally walked back out, reassured.

Xie Yan was still reclining in the chair outside. The afternoon sunlight fell across his brow and eyes. Wounded as he was, Xie Yan was gentler than usual, like a languid large cat, making one drop one’s guard around him.

And yet the wound on his leg that had not yet fully healed, the gauze bandaged around his chest and abdomen, and that pallid complexion — no matter how one looked at it, he had the air of something bloated and sickly.

In her previous life, Su Jiao had never once seen that decisive and ruthless tyrant in such a frail state. Since she had been reborn and returned, however, she had seen it again and again, and she could not help but find it oddly novel.

“What is it?”

Xie Yan tilted his head and looked over, and only then did she realize she had been holding back a smile without knowing when it had started.

“Nothing… it is just that I think… you look rather nice like this too.”

She could not say what she truly had in mind, so Su Jiao picked out a few pleasant-sounding words instead. With the guilt weighing on her, even her words carried a measure of genuine sincerity.

It was rare for Xie Yan to hear even a few unguarded words from her lips, and he could not help but look at her once, and then again.

“Jiaojiao.”

He called her name in a properly serious tone.

“Mm?”

Su Jiao’s heart gave a start.

In her previous life, he had not really called her by her childhood name very often — the few rare times he had were in bed.

“Speak like this from now on.”

Anything was better than how she had been on her deathbed in their previous life — still saying he had a towering green hat upon his head, nearly infuriating him to death.

Su Jiao had no idea what was going through his mind, but she felt this person truly did love hearing pleasant things.

Whether sincere or not.

From the time she had returned until now, whenever she called him husband, there had rarely been anything she could not manage to get done.

Su Jiao could not help but tilt her head.

“Husband?”

Xie Yan turned to look at her. The young woman wore a pale green gauze skirt, and behind her, green branches and leaves grew in wild abundance, complementing each other, making her skin appear all the more white as jade. In the midst of her bright, gentle laughter, she was lovely beyond measure.

Su Jiao at seventeen truly possessed far too fine a face, and was also well practiced at saying sweet things.

“Mm?”

Xie Yan’s tone softened, and even the lines of his brow and eyes relaxed.

“Is that right?”

She moved from where she had been standing in the corridor to before him, her bright smile in the sunlight making him lose himself for a moment.

One question left him speechless. He pressed his lips together and said nothing, but the tips of his ears quietly turned red.

Su Jiao found this astonishing, and could not help but call out again.

“Husband?”

“Husband.”

“Husband.”

One after another, like clear wind chimes striking at the very tip of his heart. Xie Yan suddenly looked away.

“What do you want?”

“Mm?”

This time it was Su Jiao who was caught off guard.

“Go and take for yourself whatever you want. Enough with these words… it is noisy.”

He closed his eyes, and made no further mention of having just told her to speak this way from now on.

Was it that in the past, whenever she had spoken like this, she always asked for something afterward — the Huishui Condensed Dew Pill, or a way out of an awkward situation at Huguo Temple — so that now, when she called out to him, he assumed she had some ulterior motive?

Yet this time she was truly innocent.

Su Jiao blinked, and deliberately spoke.

“The Huishui Condensed Dew Pill too?”

In her previous life, the remaining pill had been given to her in the year she became Empress. In this life, by chance and roundabout circumstances, one of them had been taken by her already, and the other was still with him.

Xie Yan’s fingertips stilled.

So it really was for that after all.

He no longer looked at Su Jiao, and his voice cooled slightly.

“As you like.”

Su Jiao let out a soft laugh and was about to reply —

“Master.”

The figure that appeared abruptly in the courtyard gave Su Jiao a start.

Xie Yan opened his eyes.

“Speak.”

It was Chang Yi, whom he had sent to keep watch outside the Su residence.

Chang Yi bowed, his face expressionless, and delivered his report.

“Starting from two days ago, the eldest young master of the Su family visited the late Madam Su’s tomb once, and after coming out, went to the imperial mausoleum. After that, he went to the imperial mausoleum once each day.”

Su Jiao’s expression suddenly became grave.

“Is that truly so?”

“This subordinate followed him throughout and made no error.”

“Was it possible to discover why he went to the imperial mausoleum?”

Xie Yan continued asking.

In the past, he had known the reason Su Wei visited the imperial mausoleum was because of that person there. But going once every day — there was something not right about that.

Chang Yi glanced at Su Jiao.

“No. The eldest young master vanished somewhere in the vicinity of the imperial mausoleum each time. This subordinate only knows he went there; as for which specific place he entered, that was impossible to determine.”

What was her brother doing at the imperial mausoleum? And going once every day, at that?

Because of Su Wei’s claim that he had been busy for several days with the arrangements for leaving the palace, Su Jiao instinctively felt that the visits to the imperial mausoleum were also connected to that matter.

Moreover, he had also gone to their mother’s tomb.

“There is also… the young master yesterday had people take away all of Madam Su’s belongings.”

“Took them away? Took them where?”

Su Jiao stood up.

“Also to the vicinity of the imperial mausoleum.”

Su Jiao’s breathing suddenly became rapid.

Her mother was already gone. By rights, her belongings should either be kept as keepsakes or placed in the coffin to accompany her — why would they be worth her brother taking away to somewhere near the imperial mausoleum?

Who on earth was at the imperial mausoleum?

“Is there a way to investigate the imperial mausoleum further?”

She looked at Chang Yi and spoke.

The imperial mausoleum held generations of imperial kin, and was heavily guarded on the outside. Su Jiao knew this would not be an easy matter, but for her mother’s sake, it had to be done.

Chang Yi looked toward Xie Yan.

It was not that it could not be done, but at the time, even in the matter of the eldest prince, His Highness had not sent him to investigate the imperial mausoleum. How could he now rashly venture there for the Prince’s Consort’s mother? What if it alarmed the quarry?

“Xie Yan!”

Su Jiao turned and grabbed his hand.

Seeing no response, she called out again.

“Husband!”

If she could know why her brother had taken those things there, she could then know…

Su Jiao tightened her grip, the rims of her eyes faintly reddening.

If this matter truly had an inseparable connection to her brother… both of them were her dearest kin. She could not fathom what reason her brother could have for doing this.

The more she thought, the more urgent it became within her, and a tear rolled from the corner of her eye and fell precisely onto the back of Xie Yan’s hand.

He had had his eyes closed. His fingertips stilled.

“Go.”

Chang Yi was caught off guard.

“Your Highness?”

If this alarmed that party, it would truly not be worth the cost.

Xie Yan repeated the words in a lower voice.

“Go.”

Chang Yi had never had the habit of questioning his master. Hearing the second command, he bowed.

“Yes.”

“Also… is it possible to investigate my mother’s tomb further?”

What need was there to take away a dead person’s belongings? And to bring them to a place like the imperial mausoleum at that.

A faint sense of wrongness rose within Su Jiao.

If… could there be another possibility?

Chang Yi looked toward Xie Yan once more.

He gave an almost imperceptible nod.

Chang Yi rose and withdrew. Su Jiao gripped Xie Yan’s hand tightly, her throat too dry for words.

A shadow pressed down upon her heart. Su Jiao let out a long breath, and the corridor fell silent.

The wound on Xie Yan’s body needed to have its dressings changed every day. The medicines Su Jiao had stored in the rear hall were what she had brought back from the Su residence last time, and now they were being used up entirely on him.

By that evening, an array of bottles and jars was spread out before them. His outer robe had been removed, revealing a well-built back and the fierce, raw wound upon it.

Seeing it again, Su Jiao still struggled to compose herself.

That eunuch had been resolved to kill him — had he not, in the moment he struck, given any thought to the entire Su household being implicated?

Was her leaving alone worth her brother staking the lives of every person in the Su family?

Even now, thinking of that bowl of fish soup and that dagger, Su Jiao still felt her heart clench with horror.

She stared for a long while without making a move. Her warm breath brushed against his back, and Xie Yan suddenly tightened his grip.

“Su Jiao.”

His voice when he spoke was slightly unsteady.

Still no sound from behind him.

The light, wavering breath caused his spine to arch. He endured it for a moment longer, then Xie Yan abruptly turned his head and caught Su Jiao’s wrist.

Her thoughts snapped back, and she found herself looking into a pair of deep, shadowed eyes, within which something churned that she could not read. She startled.

“What is wrong?”

“I am the one who should be asking you that.”

His voice when he spoke already carried a roughness to it. Xie Yan said one sentence and sensed something was amiss, clearing his throat before continuing.

“What were you daydreaming about during the dressing? You find the spot, and I will apply it.”

He pressed Su Jiao’s hand and guided it to his back. The moment skin met skin, it was unclear which of them trembled again.

Her hand rested at his wound. His hand, covered in medicine, spread it over the spot she was pressing. Because he could not see clearly, again and again his fingertips collided with hers. Her warm, soft hand moved around on his back, and it made his breathing grow all the more rapid. Fine beads of sweat broke out on his forehead from the motion of applying the medicine this way.

By this point Xie Yan already regretted having done it like this, but with the arrow already loosed, there was no way he could cover his ears and pretend otherwise by suggesting they switch to a different approach. He could only close his eyes, forcibly ignore those reactions and sensations that ought not to be there, and apply the medicine along wherever her hand was touching.

Such a small wound, and yet it took a full quarter of an hour to finish applying the medicine. Xie Yan withdrew his hand, and the clean fragrance of the medicine on his fingertips drifted to his nostrils, making his head swim slightly.

“Done. I will go get some water.”

Su Jiao also withdrew her hand and let out a breath.

A basin of water was brought over, but Xie Yan took a thin blanket and draped it across his lap.

“Do not splash the water for washing your hands on this.”

Su Jiao said this as she reached to take the blanket away, only to have Xie Yan catch her hand.

“Leave it as it is.”

His burning fingertips landed on her wrist, and Su Jiao looked up in confusion.

“What is a perfectly good blanket doing here?”

She reached out to pull it away again, and Xie Yan held her down again. After this back-and-forth two or three times, a vein jumped at Xie Yan’s temple, and he suddenly let go.

The thin blanket was pulled away with ease.

“There, that is better…”

Su Jiao’s words trailed off. Her gaze dropped to what lay below.

“You…”

Color flooded her face from top to bottom.

“Satisfied?”

Xie Yan looked at her with a raised brow.

“You… you…”

Su Jiao, face scarlet, flung the blanket back at him and spun around, heading straight outside.

Behind her, Xie Yan resignedly let out a long breath.

Since being reborn… this was already…

The third time.

Truly, it had been far too long.

Su Jiao stood outside the hall, and not even the spring night breeze could cool the burning heat on her face.

She recalled that in their previous life, Xie Yan at this time had not been so… full of desire.

Why was it that, having come back once more, things were different?

In their previous life, they had consummated their marriage nearly half a year after their wedding. Afterward, they had lived in something like marital harmony for another year or more — until after his enthronement, when those things had happened, and the two of them had hardly lived together anymore.

Counting it up, it had already been… nearly three years.

And she, who had been reborn, was not nearly as hungry for it as Xie Yan.

Muttering this to herself with mild indignation, Su Jiao stood outside for nearly a quarter of an hour, until a voice came from inside.

“Do you plan to stand there all night?”

Only then did she go back inside.

The inner room still carried a faint, lingering scent. The window had been opened, and a soundless breeze curled in. Xie Yan was seated at the edge of the bed.

After what had just happened, the moment Su Jiao entered the room her face went red again, but with only one bed in the front and rear hall combined, she squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself forward.

She stumbled and nearly walked into the bed frame. Xie Yan raised a hand to steady her.

“Eyes closed, are you trying to play blind? Or… afraid of seeing something you ought not to?”

His tone was thick with teasing. Su Jiao suddenly opened her eyes.

“Who says I do not dare?”

She opened her eyes in an instant, and their gazes met. She quickly looked away again.

The familiar bed that she usually slept in felt strangely awkward tonight. The steady breathing beside her made her want to retreat, and after tossing and turning three or five times, her wrist was caught by someone.

“Move again and you sleep on the floor.”

Su Jiao wriggled free and paid him no mind.

She moved again — would he truly be able to make her leave?

After all this fussing, Su Jiao started to feel warm again, and could not help shifting once more.

“Ah —”

Her wrist was caught in a swift pull, and the grip at her waist tightened. She had already fallen into Xie Yan’s embrace.

“Behave.”

Su Jiao stared wide-eyed and moved to struggle, but he had already pinned her arms behind her back, locking her entirely in his arms.

And so they slept the night through.

Perhaps because the Huishui Condensed Dew Pill had been mentioned during the day, Su Jiao drifted in and out of sleep that night, dreaming of the time in her previous life when she had received that medicine.

At the time, one of the pills had already been given to her mother to extend her life by half a month. That was in the second month of her time as Empress. On a clear afternoon, she had been in the Imperial Study keeping Xie Yan company as he ground ink.

It was a time when the palace, both inside and out, was purging dissidents. Each day, many people were dragged out from outside Qianqing Palace, blood soaking half the imperial palace, and screams of agony ringing without cease. Inevitably, many people — seeing their entire generation on the verge of annihilation — would shed all pretense, and in their viciousness curse him in fierce and violent terms, saying over and over that he would descend into hell after death, or that sooner or later the dissidents would execute him.

As those curses reached her ears, Su Jiao had already begun to frown. Beside her, the Emperor sat steady as a mountain, his vermilion brush never ceasing.

“With people cursing you like this, are you not angry?”

She propped her chin on her hand.

“What good does anger do? Who is sitting in this seat right now — me or them?”

“But an emperor is not necessarily forever.”

In those days, she had been far bolder than she became later, saying whatever came to mind.

“What if someday someone truly… with you being this cruel, should you not keep more miracle medicines on hand?”

She was genuinely worried. The Emperor on his throne shot her a cool glance.

“Can you not wish me anything good?”

Only then did she realize she had said the wrong thing, and she laughed and tried to make amends.

“I was talking about myself. His Majesty is blessed by heaven with great fortune, naturally protected by the divine — but what if those people cannot kill His Majesty and turn instead to kill me? What would I do?”

She truly valued her life.

Xie Yan had long known her character. Watching her knit her brow and turn the thought over and over, after a long moment he said:

“You want to protect your life?”

“Of course — the wealth and glory of being Empress was not easily come by, and cannot simply be thrown away.”

Seeing the expression with which he asked, she knew there was something good to be offered. Su Jiao simply put down the inkstone and nestled into his arms, complaining that her hand was sore from grinding.

He did not see through her either, gently blowing on her hand, and after a moment said:

“I’ll give you something fine. I’ll bring it to you tomorrow.”

After the morning court session, he went to Heming Hall. Su Jiao was in the rear garden tending to her medicinal herbs.

The sudden flash of imperial yellow robes startled her, and she instinctively grabbed onto the figure behind her as she fell backward.

Xie Yan caught her and they tumbled to the ground together. She scolded him for appearing so suddenly and crushing her herbs, but he was in no hurry. As she raised her hand to hit him, he produced a porcelain vial from his sleeve.

“A medicine with only one pill left in the whole world — surely that is enough to protect your life?”

She instantly dropped her irritation and reached for the medicine bottle. One look was enough to tell her it was the very medicine that had been used for her mother all those years ago.

“Only one pill remains — if you give it to me, what will you do?”

“Did you not say that Zhen is blessed by heaven with great fortune? As long as Zhen lives, Zhen will protect your life for as long as Zhen lives.”

Two laughing voices rang out through the entirety of Heming Hall as they fell together, laughing, onto the dew-damp grass.

****

She slept very fitfully. Xie Yan was roused several times, and seeing her brow creased even in her sleep, he reached out to soothe her.

Toward midnight, Chang Yi returned from outside the palace and knocked at the door. He rose and went out.

“Investigated. There are traces of disturbance at the late Madam Su’s tomb.”

Xie Yan’s drowsy eyes cleared in an instant.

“Is the person living, or dead?”

“This subordinate does not know.”

Xie Yan waved a hand.

“Report to the Prince’s Consort in the morning.”

“Awaiting your master’s instruction — should it be said directly, or…?”

Traces of disturbance at the tomb did not necessarily mean the person was alive. If it turned out to be a joy that came to nothing, why trouble the Prince’s Consort with it now?

Having gone through all of this, he had already come to understand how much weight his master placed on the Prince’s Consort.

Xie Yan’s throat worked, and his gaze passed through the window lattice to rest on Su Jiao as she lay on the bed.

The pill, Su Wei, the imperial mausoleum — step by step, she was drawing closer to him.

Yet he knew she had still not relinquished her desire to leave.

“Naturally… report it as it is.”

She trusted him so — he would not want to disappoint her.

Xie Yan gave a soft laugh. In the depths of the night, his gaze was like that of one watching prey step, step by step, into a trap.

The imperial mausoleum belonged to the imperial family alone. If her mother was in the imperial mausoleum, then no matter what…

She would have to stay.

Xie Yan curved his lips without a sound. He watched her sleep soundly inside the room, no longer showing the tension and vigilance of the day.

“You trust others far too easily, Jiaojiao.”

“Is this not exactly what she is like…”

Whatever kind of person she wished to see, he could become just that.